Darkness
by brazilia
Summary: Tony is severely depressed, and Gibbs want to know why.
1. Chapter 1

"I'm sorry..."

Gibbs voice was almost a whispering, as he looked at the hospitalpersonel dragging Tony away and into the psych ward. The last thing he saw before the door closed, was the look in Tony's eyes. Eyes that told him that Tony felt confused and betrayed.

The last week or so, Gibbs has noticed that Tony hadn't been himself. He was almost like a shadow, not saying more than he needed to, and sometimes not even that. More disturbing, he hadn't joked around as he used to do. And the spark in his eyes were gone.

And today, today Tony was worse than ever. He was afraid than Tony would do something to hurt himself, or worse. Gibbs had secretly called Bathesda and asked what to do. They told him to drive Tony to them as soon as possible. He didn't tell Tony why they was going to the hospital, but Gibbs suspected that Tony knew.

Gibbs sighed. What was wrong with Tony?

"Agent Gibbs?"

A man in white stood in front of him.

"I'm doctor Jack McNeil, the psychiatrist. I'm glad you brought Tony here, he has a severe depression. But I think we can help him."

"You think?!" Gibbs almost yelled it out.

"My best agent walks around like a ghost, and you think you can help him?"

"Calm down Agent Gibbs" Jack McNeil said.

"And go home, there's nothing you can do for Tony now. We gave him some medication and right now he's sleeping. He went a little crazy when he realised that he was locked up."

"I will be back tomorrow." Gibbs said before he left the room.

* * *

AN: I'm depressed, therefore Tony's depressed.

Disclaimer: All hail DPB


	2. Chapter 2

Tony tried to open his eyes. His head felt like it was stuffed with cotton. At first, he could remember where he was. He certainly felt like he had been drinking the night before, drinking a lot. Then, it all come back to him. He was at Bethesda, the psych ward. He tried to move his arms, but their were tied to the bed. What had he beeing doing earlyer, since he was here?

"I see you're awake. Let me get the doctor," A nurse said before leaving the room. Tony's thought were still too blurry to care. After a while, a man entered the room.

"Agent DiNozzo, I'm doctor Jack McNeil, your psychiatrist"

"Why...?" Tony's mouth felt like a desert.

"Why are my hands tied to the bed?"

"You went a little crazy yesterday, when we tried to lock you in. We had to give you some medication, and tie you to the bed, so you wouldn't hurt youself," Doctor McNeil answered.

"Oh...I can't remember that..." Tony said and turned his head and looked down.

"You screamed something about you promised to be nice and that it wasn't you fault. Is there something you want to tell me?"

"No..." Tony whispered and looked out the window.

His head was getting clearer, and with that, the bad thoughts came back. He was starting to have a panicattack, but he was able to stop it. Like he had done since he was a child. No one, no one, should ever know. It was his secret, a secret that he never want to be revealed.

AN: Thanks for all the reviews, it was really good to wake up to so many messages:)

Don't forget to tell me what you think of this chapter:)

Disclaimer: All hail DPB


	3. Chapter 3

Gibbs was back at the hospital early the next day, waiting to see Tony. He couldn't sleep anyway. He felt kind of guilty for leaving Tony in a place like this. The first few hours of sleeplessness he had tried to convince himself that it was the best for Tony. Unfortantly, he wasn't so good at convincing himself as he was convincing others. About 4 a.m. he had enough, and stood up and made some coffee. That certanly didn't help him sleeping, so the rest of the night, he sanded his boat. Now, he sat on a hard hospital chair and drinking bad hospital coffee and waiting to see Tony.

"Agent Gibbs, you're back already?" It was doctor McNeil.

"Couldn't sleep..."Gibbs mumbled "How's Tony?"

"Better than yesterday. We have given him some medication, so he's a little drowsy. I think he's awake now, so you can see him if you...and he...wants. Let me check"

Then he walked through the same door as they had draged Tony through the day before.Gibbs followed him with his eyes. This gave him another minute ot two to figure out what to say to Tony.

"You can go in now. Follow me," It was a nurse.

Gibbs took a deep breath and followed her through the door

AN: Sorry that it took so long, but here it is, the next chapter.

Disclaimer: All hail DPB


	4. Chapter 4

"Hi Tony..." Gibbs looked at the drowsy Tony in the bed. Tony looked at him for a short time before he looked away and out the window.

"I'm sorry that..." Gibbs started.

"Don't! I don't wanna hear it!" Tony locked his gaze.

"You betrayed me! When you picked me up from Baltimore P.D., you promised me to never use my background against me!"

"What was I supposed to do? You walked around as a ghost. I was afraid that you were going to...Going to do the same thing you did in Baltimore..." Gibbs looked down.

"Try to kill myself again, you mean?"

Gibbs felt Tony eyes burn into him. He almost regretted that he had learned Tony all his best interrogation tricks.

"Yes..." It was just a whisper.

"Just...Just go!" Tony said, looking out the window again.

Gibbs went to the door, stopped, and looked back at Tony. Tony just stared out the window. Gibbs sighted and went out the door.

Back at the NCIS headquarter, he barked at McGee.

"I don't care how many laws you have to break, just find out!"

He had just asked McGee to find Tonys psychevaluations from his former work, and also what case he was working on when he tried to commit suicide in Baltimore.

AN: Sorry that it took so long time for this chapter, but I had my own mental state to worry about. But it's here now, and maybe I will have the next up really soon:)

Disclaimer: All hail DPB


	5. Chapter 5

"If you want me to release you from the straps, you have to promise me not to do anything to harm yourself"

Dr McNeil stood over Tony's bed.

"I'm on suicide watch, what can I do to myself before you notice it?" Tony stared at him.

"At least a honest answer." Dr McNeil chuckled. He then removed the straps that tied Tony to the bed.

"Now, don't do anything stupid!"

"I won't..."

Tony sat up in the bed. He waited until the psychiatrist left the room, before he went to the closet and got some clothes. After getting dressed he went to the window and stared out. He could see that spring was finally coming, but he couldn't seem to enjoy it, because spring always recalled bad memories.

Tony sighted and looked out the window. The threes were getting greener and the sun was getting warmer. He tried not to think of his childhood. A childhood of terror and fright. He felt tears in his eyes, but were able to blink them away. He really wished to tell about his nightmare to someone, but it was so hard. What if that someone thought it was his, Tonys, fault? But he couldn't stop them.

The terror didn't end before Tony was 16 and decided to take back. Then he was left alone until he finished high school. He moved out then and applied the police acadamy. And he was able to put the memories away. But he was afraid to sleep, cause in the night the he relived the terror through his nightmares. The few hours of sleep he got when he was to tired to stay up, was always with the lights on.

Somehow he thought Gibbs knew something, it was in Gibbs' eyes.

He really wanted to tell Gibbs. But it was so hard. He had hidden it from he was five, and now, in his late thirties, he didn't know how to tell.

The last few weeks had been worse than ever before. Or maybe not? He remembered one of the last case he had in Baltimore. He couldn't keep the nightmares away anymore then. He was afraid to even blink, because then he could see his childhood flash before his eyes. A certain kind of fragirance could recall every moment. And one day he couldn't take it anymore. He swallowed all his pills and just waited to die. But he didn't die. Someone found him and saved him.

That wasn't the first time either. He had tried once before, when he was 15. His father had commited him at a psychiatric hospital, and bribed the director of the hospital to destroy all evidence that he had ever been there, when he left.

Tony sighed again. Would he ever be able to live a normal life...?

AN: Poor Tony...

Disclaimer: All hail DPB


	6. Chapter 6

Only a few hours after Gibbs left, he was back. McGee had found Tony's old psychevaluations frim his days in the police. The showed no signs of Tony beeing depressed and certainly no sign that Tont would take to many sleepingpills and lay down on the batheroom floor, just waiting to die. The only reason he survived was because his policepartner was worried when he didn't show up for work. She had found him not to soon. Tony was just released from the hospital when Gibbs first met him.

Gibbs had ordered McGee to keep searching in Tony's past, and then he drove back to Bathesda. McGee had called him just as he was about to park his car outside the hospital, and told Gibbs what more he had found out.

"Why didn't you tell me about your brother?"

It was the first ting Gibbs said when he arrived Tonys room. Tony himself stood by the window, still staring out.

"I don't have a brother..."

He didn't turn around. In fact, staring out the window was all he had done since Dr. McNeil had released him from the straps.

"I meant you brother who died."

Gibbs wasn't ready to give up. McGee had found an old article. It was about Peter DiNozzo, son of Anthony DiNozzo Sr., brother of Anthony Jr. The article said that Peter, who was a promising footballtalent as his brother, had died at the age of 16. Nothing about how and why. It was from just a week before Tony had tried to commit suicide.

"I know you little brother died just before you suicide attempt. Was it because he died you so badly wanted to die?"

Tony could feel Gibbs' staring. Gibbs was like a pitbull, when he first had a thought, he couldn't let it go before he got it confirmed or he rejected it.

Tony turned around slowly and locked Gibbs' gaze.

"I don't wanna talk about it!"

Then he turned around and stared out the window again.

"Why? Why don't you wanna talk about it? What so bad that you can't share it with me?"

Gibbs had laid his hand on Tonys shoulder and turned him around. There was tears in Tony's eyes.

"Because...Because he's dead because of me! He killed himself because I couldn't protect him!"

--00--

AN: What is it that Tony couldn't protect his brother from?

Discalimer: All hail DPB


	7. Chapter 7

Gibbs was back home. All he could think of was Tony's eyes when he left him. Eyes full of tears and pain. And Tony's last word haunted him. What was it that Tony was unable to protect his little brother from? Tony hadn't said anything else after that. His tears just ran down his face, and Gibbs felt useless since he couldn't comfort him.

Gibbs picked up his phone and rang McGee.

"I need you to find out more about Peter DiNozzo. What he did before he died, and also how he died.!

He listened for the answer:

"As I already told you, I don't care how many laws you have to break. I want my Senior Field Agent back!"

At the same time, Tony had a session with Dr. McNeil.

"How do you feel today?"

"42" Tony mumbled.

"What?" The doctor looked confused.

"Never mind. It's just from a movie..." Tony started to stare out the window.

"Yes, Gibbs mentioned that you love movies."

Dr. McNeil said, waiting for Tony to say something. But Tony didn't say anything. He just continued to stare out the window.

After a few minutes the doctor said:

"Why do you always stare out the window?"

There was no answer from Tony.

"Are you waiting for someone? Maybe you hoping to see your brother walk out from the forrest?"

There was a twitch in Tony's eyes, but still no answer.

"Your brother is dead, and will never come back..."

Then Tony reacted:

"Don't you think I know that? Don't you think I don't think about that every day?! Don't you think that I every day wish it to be the other way around? That I was the one to die, instead of my brother? I was supposed to protect him. I was his big brother. But I failed, and now he's dead. I wish I was dead too!"

He had almost yelled out the first words, but the last word was so low, almost like a whisper, that Dr. McNeil almost didn't hear them. But he did hear them, and they disturbed him.

"What was it that you couldn't protect you brother from? What secret do you hide, since you so badly want to die?"

No answer. In fact, Tony didn't say anything more for the rest of the session.

Gibbs was in his basement, sanding his boat. He had just talked to McGee, who had called Gibbs to tell him what he had found out about Peter DiNozzo.

What he had learned disturbed him. Was his suspicions true? Could what he had suspected for a long time, really had happened? Gibbs knew he had to talk to Tony again, and this time, he wanted the whole truth. Even if he had to drag every word out of Tony!

--00--

AN: I don't have anything to write here right now, except: leave a review

Discalimer: All hail DPB


	8. Chapter 8

Tony was out in the livingroom. He stood by the window and stared out. He heard a women talk to him from behind.

"Hello, you're new here."

It wasn't a question, just a state of fact.

"How do you know that...?" Tony mumbeled.

"Oh, I have been here so long that I know everyone around here." The women said with a smile.

"And since I haven't seen you around before, you have to be new. I'm Mona by the way."

Tony turned around and shaked her outstretched hand. The woman was young, in her mid-twenties. She was about 20 cm shorter that Tony, and skinny, with long, brown hair and green eyes.

"Tony."

"What you're in for?" She said with a grin.

"What?" Tony looked confused on her.

"I feel like this is a prison, and that we're all here because of some crime we did...Or didn't do..." Her smile faded away as she said, almost whispered, the last word.

"I'm here because my boss was afraid that I was going to do something stupid in my depression. As if..." Tony said with a sad smile.

"Then we're partners in crimes of someone else. I'm here because my father-in-law, the general, didn't like my opinions on some thing. He ment it was best for his career that I went away for a while...But that's a long and sad story, that I don't need to bother you with..."  
"I have no place better to be and a lot of time, tell me all about it." Tony said with a smile, leading Mona to the nearest sofa. Was this what he needed to get out of this place?

---00---

"I need to call my boss". It was the first thing Tony said to in their daily session that day.  
"Why? I think you need a break from your job 'til you get better." Was the answer, allthough the doctor was happy that Tont started to show interest for something.  
"I really need to talk to my boss. And if you don't let me talk to him, I won't talk to you either!" Tony said, and gave the doctor a stare, the Gibbs way.  
McNeil sighed.  
"Fine, I let you talk to him for five minutes. Five minutes only, and it will on speaker and there will be a nurse in the room all the time. But I you want those five minutes, you need to speak to me about Peter!"  
"What's Peter got to do with it? He's dead!"  
Tony who had been staring at the doctor for a while looked down and whispered:  
"He's dead and I couldn't prevent it..."  
A tear ran down his face.  
"How could you have prevented it? This article said he commited suicide while you worked in another city."  
McNeil handed a copy of an old newpaper article to Tony. Tony wiped away the tear and took the article.  
The headline read "Is there something more behind Peter DiNozzo's tragic suicide?" The pictures under showed a serious Peter, taken by the school photographer just a few weeks before he died. Under was a picture from the funeral showing a mourning Tony and cold Antonio.  
"I...I havent seen this in years..." Tony mumbled and continued reading, bringing back memories he had tried to forget for years.

"Peter DiNozzo(21) was buried yesterday, five days after he was found dead in his room. He was found by his older brother, who was back home for a vacation. The cause of death was ruled as suicide, after an overdose of sleepingpills. Peter had a history of depression and anxiety. He was commited to a mental hospital twice the last year, and had just been back home a month when he decided to let life be life and wish death anonomus friend of the family told our reporter that Peter had inherrited his mental illness from his mother, who died in a suspicious car accident ten years ago. He also revealed that Tony DiNozzo was commited to the hospital a few hours after finding the body of his brother. This was supposedly because of the shock after finding his brother, but the friend could tell us that Tony had been commited a few times in his teens. Tony was released from the hospital a few hours to go to his brothers reporter have talked to some of Tony's co-workers and they said that he have showed no signs of mental illness while they have worked with him, but that their latest case really got in to him. After the case was closed, he took som time of and went back home to sort of some things in the past. Our question is: What happened in the past with the DiNozzo brothers, and has it something to do with their mother?"

After Tony was finishing reading, he said nothing. waited,he knew Tony needed some minutes to collect his thoughts. The first ting Tony said was:  
"Dad sued the newspaper after that article."

---00---

AN: I did it. I wrote another chapter. Yay for me. Just hoping that my next chapter isn't so hard to write:p

Disclaimer: All hail DPB


End file.
